It's been a while...

Dear Pops,

It’s been over three months since you have gone, and not a day has gone by without me thinking about you. I need you. You understood me better than anyone else, perhaps because there were a lot of similarities between us.

 For months I have been trying to let out my feelings and put them in writing, but I have not been able to do so.  How do I transfer my thoughts into paper when I feel my thoughts are all I have left of you?  The writing process for me has become a lot more complicated; it doesn’t come organically like it once did. As you know this is not ideal for me; my writing just had a life of its own in the past, and it was great but I feel like it died -along with a part of me- a while ago.  It feels forced, unnatural. I have a deep yearning for it, and a lot of feelings and thoughts bottled up and ready to come out but it is as if they are all tangled up and unable to make it out.

“Take care of yourself” was always your answer to my worries and puzzles, but how can I take care of myself when I seem unable to even identify what that means? How can I take care of myself when I am desperately trying to take care of those I love but inevitably end up hurting? Why does it seem this desire to find “what I am looking for” is doing more harm than good? How can I be looking for something that I don’t even know what it is? Those are some of the questions I wish I could ask you.  Those are the questions I need an answer for.

I once promised you to be true to myself, but I never knew how hard that could be. To follow my heart to achieve true happiness is not as easy as it sounds, in fact it is very complicated; perhaps the most complicated thing I’ve ever done. But I will not give up. Things might seem complicated at the moment, but I have faith that everything will work out- I know this because of you. I am grateful to forever carry you in my heart, because you give me strength, you keep me sane.  Even though at the moment I seem to be standing still, I know it is all right; I know this will pass. 

Honestly is the best policy and I promise to be honest, to always follow my heart and to never forget your advice. As I write this letter to you, the first of many to come, I promise that my writing will get better and as I continue on this journey, I know things will get better and happy letters will be written, and hopefully in the process I will find what I am searching for. 

I love you pops.

C